I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
