so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
