She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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