I swear god or herbie drove my car home
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
