the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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