Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
