Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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