I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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