GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
