Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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