Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
