I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
