Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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