my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
