I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
