My first STD was from a foam party
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
