They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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