if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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