life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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