I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
