So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
