What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
