Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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