So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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