Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
