I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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