so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
