so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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