Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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