Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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