Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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