this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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