then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
