Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
This is classic penis vs brain.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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