you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
