My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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