Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
