I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
