an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
