Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
