weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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