watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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