I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
