I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You took a bar mat shot.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
