your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
