My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
