good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
