this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
