Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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