Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
