Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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