I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
